Final night

And so the day has finally come. While investiture may have already seen the ceremonial end of our council term, and handover the more practical side of things, it was ultimately final night which forced us to accept that this was the finish line, and come to terms that when we woke up the next day things would be different forever.

And yet somehow I know that even now 3 days later I've not fully come to terms with this yet, because somewhere deep inside I know that if I did I would be so totally broken, lost and tearing inside, much more than this constant swirling of emotions I have even right now.

~It's... really over is it?~

Honestly, final night wasn't quite like I expected it to. Well the rushing of cards during pre-final night was very expected, and while I can understand like people rushing cards in the LT, what really pissed me off was how people could still be strolling in 1 hour late. Ridiculous, how people would want to spoil the night for others and themselves. Then came National Day. Honestly, I guess National Day was quite some time ago so I guess thinking about it didn't really bring anything more but fond sweet memories to my mind, and of course we laughed at some of the funny jokes we remembered. But nothing like some other functions where people were crying and everything. Haha kudos to our Nat Day ICs who cut out the banner as cards for us, haha to think about it the banner was perhaps one of the most significant symbols of National Day, with the funny sizing showing the inexperience but the bright red and painstakingly written lyrics the passion and dedication that made up for it.

Then came the other functions, where I mostly spent my time eating and rushing out cards. Sian orientation was another thing that pissed me off haha. While I can understand that they were very emotionally charged and wanted their moment, it was really not fair to use up an entire hour or more. I mean if there were technical difficulties then show the video afterwards lah, after all I think it was the spoken words that mattered most right? I could see how unhappy open house and some other functions were waiting. Oh well. Then Take 5 was upsetting too, not because of the comm members but all the other councillors that wanted their alone time somewhere else or doing some stupid preparations outside. I mean if you wanted to do it this way then why have an LT just split people up and run it concurrently right? If we want to do this as a council then just do it as a council don't spoil the experience for others just for yourself. But when we started Take 5 was quite funny haha.

Yea I didn't really watch open house beacuse our house D was outside. But oh well although that seems quite selfish I agree that perhaps we could have done it in a better way but it was the only function where no one from the house D was needed and it wasn't like there was no one else in the LT (which was kinda like how Take 5 was). Oh well. But we showed Sam the video so well it was good, it was kinda the precursor to the department sharing afterwards like it reminded us of all that we did.

Then back to the LT for council camp. Not much to say la but kudos to the CCICs I think they did the best job of all the functions. Given the worst circumstances they still did a good job.

Then we split up to our respective houseD-epartments haha. While I would have preferred we did it as a council I can understand that we were running short on time because of irresponsible councillors so oh well. The first part of the sharing well was ok, and we were starting to fell sad until we were called in again sian. For some weird (thats the only term I can think of it) secretariats thing like it wasn't even reminiscing it was more like some party game or something it was weird la. Then came the video (which didn't bring about as much emotion as expected, maybe because the environment wasn't that inducing and all the technical faults) but still I thought it was meaningful. Then the poor presidents speeches which was super short, I think the presidents did a good job and well I kinda guess they sacrificed all they wanted to say for all the time wasted which wasn't even their fault oh well. And then out of the Lt for cake which well I guess was supposed to be meant to end final night but was a rather awkward intermission for it. And then down to the carpark for the batch activity thing. Oh well again bad lighting made the candle idea impossible so we just formed a circle and sang the batch song. Again there was time wastage (sigh), but even so I thought the song could have been a much better experience. Like we were singing and I was thinking about all the times we had together and you know the feeling like 'I don't want this to end please its been so great' and all the emotions were inside me and I was starting to emo and then people started jumping around WTH. Oh well maybe to them final night was about having fun and partying. But not to me. And that wasn't what the batch song meant to me. Not that night.

But the most important part of final night, the part that mattered most to me, was what happened afterwards. When my houseD went to the canteen tables and finished our sharing. When Sam showed the video and all around me everyone was crying. Like babies really. Everyone but Arun and I. We could all really feel the emotion. Like all of us who were so pissed just now were simply letting ourselves go and showing how much this mattered to us. And the passing of gifts/notes and everything. It was really what final night, council, meant to me.

And at that moment and the many moments to come, one thought was on my mind. Why wasn't I crying? I mean I could really feel it inside, but nothing came out. Like while the climax for everyone else was in their emotions flowing out through their tears, my climax was simply all my emotions draining out somewhere else and.. I just felt empty inside. Dead. Lifeless. I wanted to cry but there was nothing left in me to give out. And for the next 2 days I... felt guilty. Was it that this experience didn't mean as much to me as it did to others? Was it because I wasn't a good councillor? All these questions haunted me at every fleeting moment. But then as I watched the videos over and over, I came to this decision. It wasn't that this experience was the same to me, but I guess I just let all the tears fall on the inside. After all truthfully its been ages since I cried. When I wanted to, nothing could come out. That doesn't mean that I didn't have the same emotions, the same sadness. And my councillor was important to me because I wanted to and I refuse to let any guilt taint what meant so much to me.

And so it ended. My council journey. To my fellow 30ths, thanks for the beautiful memories. And sorry if I did anything that upset any of you and sorry for the times I wasn't there, when other things were eating away at me. Thanks for the beautiful pictures and sorry for not being there in all the pictures. There's so much to thank you guys for and so much to apologise for too. And I guess that goes for everyone right? But in the end I think its beautiful, how so many imperfect people came together into a perfect council :) Oh well I'm not making sense anymore argh.

And it was my birthday last week to. Oh well honestly I was a bit sad that people I expected to wish me didn't, people very close to me too. But then again I was very touched by the people who did. And ultimately birthdays are about being thankful. Thanking God for creating us, and thanking all those who gave us so much to live for.

Thanks everyone :)