But thats not the reason why I'm posting. Its because next week is a major moment of my life. Like wow. So its time to look back, and then look ahead.
Hm... if I would describe my life, it could kinda be summarised by a day i had this week. So after school I went with Yifan and Lin Jin to starbucks to enjoy their half priced coffee, then slacked around a bit and went home. The thing is on the train ride, it was all so bright and sunny till it reached my station where the skies were darker. But no rain. So i was like yea good weather to walk home in :D So wrong. Haha apparently it was already raining at my block but i didn't know, so like for the first 2 mins of my walk back it was nice and all, but for the next 10 mins plus it was disaster. My shoes were totally soaked, my pants too. I was feeling very disgusted (like you noe the feeling of squishy shoes urgh. And then I went home. Yea end of story.
Hey wait I thought this was about my life so far? Huh
Haha yea it is. Well 3 things. At the start of this year, and the years before that actually, my life was really about friends, making close friendships especially with the band people and in JC the councillors. Yea so when I took on the train ride that was this year it was really so bright and sunny. And when life felt too good to be true, maybe it was really too good to be true. I didn't think of the cool weather as a precursor for the rain, i thought of it as an opportunity to step out onto the pavement. And I was so wrong. Maybe people didn't really see it, but there was some time this year I really felt so down, so drained and...dead inside. Its like I should feel sad, but I just lost whatever little feeling that was left inside me. During that time, I heard the worst 'no' (maybe not the word, but that was the implication) that I heard in my entire life. Crash. And on the outside I still had to maintain the impression that I was totally alright, that life was good, doing my thing you know making jokes and irritating people while I was just a bleeding mess on the inside.
But eventually, I went home. Home to family, to my brothers and sisters I have in school, to people close to me. Yea. I now realise how much all my friends mean to me, and how you don't have to be in the know to be supportive by just being there.
Of course, this doesn't mean that I'm super good and all happy now. There are still random moments when all the emptiness comes back, yea I mean if i recovered so fast from something like that then it probably wasn't much rite? Yea but I know inside I'm changing, getting older, getting more mature. I don't want to be a kid any more you know? Yea.
So here I am standing at a new chapter of my life. And you know despite all I said before that its not as if my life was a wreck that I hate. No i'm actually very happy with all I have. The pain and sorrow pales in comparison to how thankful I am about all the things in life. Band and council especially brought so much happiness in my life. Of course they didn't come without their pain sometimes, but it was good being in such awesome CCAs/families. Really good.
And what now? Well I guess I just want to build up relationships. Like I realised many of my friendship have been very superficial. Like while all the jesting and joking makes people very comfortable and close friends, well if thats all there is to it then the friendship is kinda meaningless. So yea I want to build up friendships, to be able to be the shoulder, the ear, the counselor. After all many of my friends come from school (actually I think its like all my friends), yea and once we say bye bye at the end of this year I don't want them all to just say bye, pack up their bags and never talk to me again. Yea. And as for other relationships... well lets just say I not going to settle for second best, not going to look at new alternatives. If it isn't going to happen this way, then well I guess I wouldn't have it any other way.
Well I typed for so long already, so maybe I'll just share a video. I guess it kinda reminds me of my past? Looking back at life. Don't know what resonates more, the lyrics or the way the song is played.
And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...
And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time
And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...
Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind...
My mind...my mind...
'Til I find somebody new
Yea pretty much my life. But I just don't really agree with the last line. Like something tells me inside it might happen, but somehow I know that I don't want it to happen, and I would rather much wait forever. But can I wait forever? Will it change anything? Am I holding on to something that is forever lost? And if so maybe I just want to keep holding on? Oh well.
But its been great...er... living I guess. And if people are gonna think that I'm some suicidal emo freak well I'm not. Its just that everyone has many sides to themselves, and I guess there isn't any other place I can let this side of me out haha.
Yea. Wow super long post. And I still have one more post I was thinking of doing lol. Byes!
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