I really should not be here now

Haha. I should be studying for prelims, but I guess since I'm super distracted now, this would be better than (more) youtube vids.

Haha anyway well the past few days have been good I guess. Didn't really go out a lot except to a friend's house nearby heh to do very stupid stuff. But I got to spend a lot of time alone and with my family. Mm, sometimes we all just need to preserve your personal space yea?

Well anyway I've been thinking about how I, in my own personal opinion, haven't really been a good christian testimony both to others and myself. And while I know and really believe that the former is important, I do believe that its more important to first be a good christian testimony to oneself right? Like I don't profess myself to be a shining christian example, and even so I will readily admit that there are many things the people don't know abut me, in the past and in the present, that I'm not proud of, be it thoughts, or words and actions in my private life.

And then there's always this irony, that for all the times I prayed for God to be beside me and to walk with me, I never really opened my heart fully. I always thought I had set up the perfect plan for myself, and I structured it so perfectly too: Get a girlfriend in JC, do well and study medicine, finish uni and start working, get married (yes, to the same girl heh) and have my first kid before I reached 30, retire and go help others in other nations, and have a nice and happy life. And then I realised that there was something very very missing in it all: God

Except the LORD build the house, they labour in vain that build it: except the LORD keep the city, the watchman waketh but in vain
Psalm 127:1

It always used to be "This is what I want so help me Lord". But what I've always knew but never realised was that I never thought about God's plans for me (which might or might not be what I planned) and the undeniable fact that God's plans are BETTER. I mean who can argue against an all-knowing, all-powerful God, and what more a God who loves us? I'm not saying that plans, ambitions and goals are bad (of course presuming they are according to God's word and principles), but it shouldn't be "I want X and Y.", it should be "I want X and Y, if it is according to Your best plans for me". For all I know, I could be staring at a window while God points to the open door.

Its not easy though. One question I always ask myself is: "What if suddenly God calls me and tells me to be a pastor or a missionary?" And its one of those questions that I know the answer to but don't want to say it out. But ultimately, I know that God's will be done, and so my answer would have to be that if God really calls me to it, I will go, and pray for God's strength to help me to obey.

And I also want to talk about how people handle grief. Some people resort to violence, thinking that they can pass their pain to others or objects, and others like to say it out, to pour it all out of them. But all this have their limitations right? Physical violence never works, and most of the time all one is doing is numbing the emotional pain through throbbing knuckles and bloody fists. Pouring everything out just leaves you empty inside, and well you know how it works with empty things - they get filled up again. So what's my solution?



From wiki: This hymn was written after several traumatic events in Spafford’s life. The first was the death of his only son in 1871 at the age of four, shortly followed by the great Chicago Fire which ruined him financially (he had been a successful lawyer). Then in 1873, he had planned to travel to Europe with his family on the SS Ville du Havre, but sent the family ahead while he was delayed on business concerning zoning problems following the Great Chicago Fire. While crossing the Atlantic, the ship sank rapidly after a collision with a sailing ship, the Loch Earn, and all four of Spafford's daughters died. His wife Anna survived and sent him the now famous telegram, "Saved alone." Shortly afterwards, as Spafford traveled to meet his grieving wife, he was inspired to write these words as his ship passed near where his daughters had died.
Bliss called his tune Ville du Havre, from the name of the stricken vessel.
The Spaffords later had three more children, one of whom (a son) died in infancy. In 1881 the Spaffords, including baby Bertha and newborn Grace, set sail for Israel. The Spaffords moved to Jerusalem and helped found a group called the American Colony; its mission was to serve the poor. The colony later became the subject of the Nobel prize winning Jerusalem, by Swedish novelist Selma Lagerlöf.

Cast thy burden upon the LORD, and he shall sustain thee: he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved.
Psalms 55.22

After all, I truly believe that God is the only one who can really take away all the grief and negative feelings and replace it with pure love joy and peace. And something I've realised is that God has really been good to me and my family. I came to know a lot of things that happened in the past and if God had not been with my family all this while, well I might not have even been born (and that's the least of it).

And so, to anyone out there who's feeling down, may God bless you :)

Haha I feel like a preacher already.

Oh yea, there's another thing. My pastor talked about this verse today:

Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving.
Ephesians 5:4

Then he said :"have you ever met a person that never stops joking?" And I was like "darn that sounds like me!" Haha and then what he said makes sense. Whatever jesting, no matter how unintentional, could be hurting someone in a sore region that you don't even know! Oh well so I guess its time to stop. Yea.